Living Alive

A Letter for Thoughtful Minds and Eyes of Glass

Original image credit to Martti Salmi

My Dear Wonderlings,

How I have missed you. I fall into a daze when I give myself no space to think. It’s gotten to the point now where the past few nights I lay awake with swirling thoughts, like too much water exploding through a hose pipe that is much too small.

Last night, I contemplated well past midnight with thoughts too clogged to sleep.  Nothing too deep and profound mind you. I was imagining myself as a time-traveler visiting people from 50 years ago and trying to decide how I would describe my present, their future. What hope could I share with those leaning forward in anticipating wide-eyed wonderment? When I really think about it and delve through history, the human race has experienced and come out the other side of so much—global wars, Spanish Influenza, the Bubonic Plague, Ebola, hurricanes, civil unrest, assassinations, societal degradation—this is nothing new for us. I realized if I only gave the worst of today, to my listeners I would sound like just another street-corner-crier shouting a warning about the “end of the world” using phrases like “hell-in-a-handbasket.”

So what else is there to mention? Have I been living alive enough to say? I can always gauge my state of mental liveliness or exhaustion by the frequency of my writing. Writing makes me feel alive. When I don’t write, my eyes become glassy, my thoughts foggy; one day copies-and-pastes itself into the next with hardly any editing to differentiate it. If there is something, it becomes a memory like all the others, providing little excitement or joy to take with me into the future. Can you feel it? The lack of aliveness? The sadness setting in? When I don’t write, I decline. Why don’t I write? Why don’t I let myself think? Because distraction is so much easier.

And so I ignored the quiet voice in my thoughts urging me to tune back in. I felt blissful in the world of my imagination. I latched on to movies and Instagram reels that made me happy and held myself there, replaying them over and over, perpetually daydreaming, convincing myself I couldn’t possibly be happy without them. And what was life without happiness? At this point in my life, I am well-acquainted with the truth to provide an effective rebuttal. And so I did----four months later. I forced myself to come to terms with the fact that just because I felt no burning in my heart to make a change did not mean I was okay to stay. Why demand He reteach me what I already knew just to pretend I’d never unwrapped it? I craved a feeling to make our connection feel real when what I really needed was follow-through. When I’m content living in distraction, I am behaving like a basic expectation is optional, something I should only pay attention to if He directly calls it out as important, like brushing my teeth every day.

As someone who claims Jesus is Lord, I cannot in good conscience live my life ignoring Him and crying out Ignorance! Ignorance! I didn't know! and then demand He show me a “special purpose” for my life. If I won’t fulfill the basics of Christian living clearly spelled out in the Bible, why would He give me something extra? Live alive.

If I’m being honest, I think the reason I fall into this mentality sometimes is because I do pay attention. I try my best every day to live alive, watchful for opportunities to connect with Him and others, and I just get…tired sometimes. I look at my life and long for there to be just a little more to it, and so I gravitate toward what I feel is missing in the easily accessible— tv, social media, YouTube, podcasts, you name it. I don’t mean to villainize apps and inanimate objects, but I guess I think that maybe it’s time I stop just watching another “Top 10 Habits That Changed My Life” video (What? They’re interesting.) and actually do what makes me feel alive. Easy things; things in arm’s reach. Inspiration without action is ultimately pointless. Choose to step away from distraction. I don’t need to spend more money; I don’t need to create the perfect aesthetic. I hear Gandalf in my ear The world isn’t in your books and maps. It’s out there… This is how I talk to myself in the bathroom right after another $80 Hobby Lobby run (oh, but the yarn!). Anyway, I’m still here, still dreaming, looking for wonder.

You Have My Sword,

Olivia

P.S. I am currently sitting in a chair next to a corner of the kitchen island and making mini waffles for a party. I need 22. It’s been 2 hours and 43 minutes. I am on waffle 18. Send help…or a bigger waffle maker.