Commitment: Releasing the Arrow

The Problem with Waiting for Signs

My Dear Lovelians and Lifers,

Today, you are witnessing one of the outcomes of my new dedication to commitment. This topic has been on the forefront of my mind for awhile now because I feel this particular area has been lacking in my life and caused some very real setbacks. I do not consider myself an ambitious person. I have no desire to start a business from my garage, become a CEO, or climb any sort of societal ladder. I am perfectly content with riding the flow of life and enjoying the magic of simplicity in talking with my younger sister about her day at school, cooking for my family now and again, and discussing cosplay with my friends. While desiring the simple is not wrong, in fact I consider it a key component in falling in love with life, I have often used this aspect of my personality to excuse myself from having any kind of goal at all and committing to achieve it.

Original image credit to Vince Fleming

I call it “personality,” but in reality, I fear shooting in the wrong direction and not being able to turn around, which is how I define “wasting my life.” Therefore, I tell myself I will not fully commit to a desire or dream until I am absolutely sure it is the direction I am supposed to go. I know, this contradicts what I said in my previous letter. “Supposed to” is not all that relevant to life. In this season of twenties especially, life is found in the trial and error. “Supposed to” suggest there is one place and one place only I need to be, and if I miss it, I have missed my purpose and therefore “wasted my life.” This is where the main conflict occurs between my head and heart.

Remember “Aim at nothing; hit nothing” from the same letter previously mentioned? I realize now in order to “hit something” I need to actually release the arrow. Commitment is the release, the trigger if you will. I have had goals and dreams in the past, but because of my personality excuse I never gave any of them my all out of fear that I was investing in the wrong activity. I contented myself with half-hearted pursuit and waited for a sign. Neither accomplished anything. The problem with waiting for signs is that they often change based on my desires. If I want the answer to be yes, go, these are the signs I see. This is why acting on signs will always leave a person with doubt and fear. Yes, I do believe Papa God gives signs occasionally, but we were never meant to live by them.

As one who desires to honor Him with my choices, I often forget how open-ended He created life to be. While I do believe there is an end goal, I am beginning to understand this mostly has to do with who I become rather than what I do. Because whether I believe it or not, He delights in who I am. When I think about it, this makes sense. Why would He take so much time and effort to create me, as a few Psalms poetically describe, if He was just going to dictate every move of my life without leaving room for enjoying my personality, tastes, and ideas? Please do not misunderstand. I am not encouraging the disrespectful behavior of “I am going to do this whether you like it or not.” Neither extreme equates to full living.

But what if I’m wrong?! Worry frets What if I hate what I’ve committed myself to, and I’m stuck for the next decade of my life?!

…

Calm down Anakin.

I think two decades is long enough to at least pick up on some form of my strengths and weaknesses, hobbies I enjoy, tasks I naturally excel at, even if they are small. This can at least provide a starting point, a foundation to build upon. But alas, while this self-talk is helpful, it does not soothe all my worries. Logic is only half a shield. The other half is trust. Do I believe my Jesus will provide for my physical and emotional needs like I say I do? Part of trust looks like harnessing my imagination and not envisioning myself in scenarios I fear, situations that contradict His promise to take care of me and help me navigate the ups and downs of life as a partner, not a dictator.

So what does the next wise step look like for me? I will practice commitment in the small areas of life. I will commit to the tasks already in my lap, this blog for one. Commitment says I will write even if I don’t feel like it. I will complete what I start even when I cannot see the finish line. I will wash my face every night before I go to sleep even though I would much rather use those two minutes reading a book or watching tv. My dear friends, commitment may not be the most exciting undertaking in the world, but it will propel you the farthest in the long run, ambitious personality or not.

Stay Curious,

Olivia

P.S. I will keep you updated on my target practice